What a year it has been

Long (and dramatic) post ahead!

It's almost been a year since I first arrived in Australia. In my case, I decided to pursue further studies and try my luck in the workforce. For most people, they saw this move as a smart one, while some saw me as the 'lucky one'.

I left the Philippines with a heavy heart—I loved my job and the team, and I was dangerously anxious to leave my parents alone. I wasn't domesticated at all and the thought of moving to a foreign country left me excited and anxious.

When I started studying again, I experienced an identity crisis. I have always attached a huge chunk of my identity with work, that I questioned who I really was outside of a position or job. I thought, 'Who am I outside work?' and 'What am I really like?'. I hated the thought of not working because I felt useless and underutilized. However, since I also look young, people assumed I was naive, had textbook knowledge, or had nothing to bring to the table. I never experienced direct discrimination, but I knew I had to constantly prove myself to everyone I met. I put so much pressure on myself to excel in my Masters and find work that I started to lose sleep and my sense of self-worth came with a huge question mark. Luckily though, after putting on a thick face (lol), I was fortunate enough to find work within the publishing industry.

On some days though, I’d get emotionally and physically tired. When I'd go home late and it'd be freezing cold, I'd think of the sunny skies and tropical breeze of Manila and would often ask myself, 'Bakit ko ba ginagagawa ito sa sarili ko?' (Translation: Why am I doing this to myself?) 

I doubted my decisions and felt a jab when I saw my friends having a great time back at home without me. Since I am also the antithesis to a homebody, I have always longed for spending time with friends. So to move to a different country and not be able to interact and connect at a certain level with people depleted my spirit.  

Many people oftentimes think that I have it all easy or everything I do is effortless. Well, now that I think about it, I would think the same way of other people who post about their travels, social gatherings, and food trips. Contrary to what I usually post about, I am actually not a 'chill' person. I love beaches and spending time outdoors but I hate inefficiency. I am a very impatient person and I get annoyed when things don't work out. I am a planner and I organize things way in advance. I love traveling but I actually dread not doing anything...that's why my trips are usually hectic. All in all, I am just more confident when I am busy. So no, I am not your typical laid-back tropical girl. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I may appear like I'm at ease but I'm not. I may also appear like everything I do is effortless, but it's not the case. It hasn't been easy...

I won't deny...I am indeed a lucky one and I shall be eternally grateful for my friends, family, and my colleagues for the support, but I also credit grit and courage for making me tread on. I'm not fearless, I just mustered a bit of strength. That's all.  

My experience may not be a unique one, but here I am, a simple human being telling everyone on the internet that you can do it…As the saying goes, 'Courage isn't the absence of fear but the triumph over it'. And oh yeah, here I am reminding myself to keep hustling.